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John and Mary had never met, like two hummingbirds that had also never met. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth. John was a renowned public speaker, and he spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind from looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. He was as tall as a 6 foot 3 inch tall tree. Mary on the other hand was different. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a thigh master. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the sound a dog makes right before it throws up. When it rained, her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. Her vocabulary was as bad as like, whatever. John was married, Mary wasn’t. However, John’s wife cheated on him, and they soon got divorced. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. John and Mary were set up on a blind date by a mutual friend who knew that both needed cheering up. John quickly fell for Mary like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River. She caught his eye, like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. She slowly grew on him throughout the date, like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he head bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. Mary felt differently. To her, the date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie John would be in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.” This would change. After the date, John expected Mary to call him right away. When she didn’t, John was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. John thought of a plan to make Mary fall in love with him. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, the plan would work. After a nice sleep, John seized the day with a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. John recited “hisk pisk. miff riff. dun sun. luff juff. ffuj fful. nus nud. ffir ffim. ksip ksih.” Suddenly, the world shook. There was thunder, which was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a middle school play. Hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. Then everything stopped. Later, John went to Mary’s house, and she was suddenly in love with him. John was thrilled. From then on, they spent all their time together. First, they went to a ballet. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. They went to a baseball game as well. Neither particularly enjoyed the game, but man taking his girlfriend or wife to a baseball game is American tradition, like fathers chasing their kids around with power tools. This love lasted for weeks, until Mary informed John that she had to go away for two weeks on business. For the entire fortnight, both suffered severe separation anxiety, the way pepper feels when it is sprinkled on eggs, but salt is not. However, time ped, and eventually Mary returned. John went to pick her up at the airport. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 PM traveling at 55 mph, the other having left Topeka at at 4:19 PM traveling at 35 mph. They decided to visit the Empire State Building together for their first day reunited. It was a wonderful day. As they talked at the top, John said to Mary “I must confess something to you.” “Tell me John,” she said. “It won’t change the fact that I love you.” “That’s the thing,” he said. “You don’t really love me. After our first date, you never called. But I loved you so much, that I recited an old spell that causes one to fall in love So now, you feel as if you love me, though you truly don’t.” For a minute Mary was speechless. Slowly, her face filled up with rage. She was so angry, she pushed John through the gl windows of the building. John fell many stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with v